game’s a bogey …

well that’s ivf 1.0 cancelled …

I had a scheduled monitoring appointment again this morning and the long and the short of it is that I’m not responding.

of course I feel totally gutted and I’m not going to fib I did bubble a bit in the car on the way home but I held it together when we were in with my super lovely dr.  

I’m sure he’s delivered this chat more times than he’s ever wanted to but I didn’t feel dismissed or fobbed off or anything like that.

I’m clearly a very low responder and I’ve also found out I’ve got a really low AMH level to boot!  

I’ve to start three months of DHEA and then we’ll proceed with IVF 1.1 in August to tie in with mr me being home.

My intention is to keep blogging but it might not be too frequently.  I’ll be at the gym working my butt off and concentrating on the Paleo diet that my dr recommends.

who knows I might even decide that I’m missing my jags enough to give acupuncture a try!

good luck my fellow TTC types!  I’m rooting for you all!  I sincerely hope that you find your BFPs!

keep taking the drugs ladies!

PS – game’s a bogey is what you shout if a game of hide and seek is null and void so it seemed appropriate but I thought I better explain to cater for all

11 years ago today …

11 years ago today I married my mr me …

11 years ago today I was blissfully ignorant about how my life would pan out …

11 years ago today I couldn’t even begin to imagine that today I’d be one of the many poking myself in the guts …

I’m sure it’s the case that very few of us smug married types ever think that we’ll be the ones doing this … Sure it happens but not to us!

Eleven years feels like a lifetime!  We’ve done SO much in that time and he still makes me giggle and we still hold hands and we still bicker over which patio set to buy (yesterday’s battle of sorts!) 

I know it doesn’t sound like the most positive spin to take on this process but if we try and it doesn’t pan out the way we hope it will we’re ok with that.  Of course we really really want a child(ren) but if it doesn’t work out like that then we know how to be us.  We’ve been just us for such a long time that we exist together quite happily.  Of course life would just be a little more entertaining with a brat of our own!

He’s my rock and I’d like to think I’m his … 

Happy Anniversary buddy!  Thanks for your support through this!  I appreciate that you work to support this process.  I appreciate that you’re enabling me to stay at home and not throw work stress and demands into the mix of ivf stress and demands.  I appreciate that you drift off into a jetlag nap at 19:30 and let me shoot up in peace.   I appreciate that you’re not wrapping me in cotton wool cos if you did I’d take that as a sign I’m ok to fall apart at the seams.  I appreciate you buster x

camera shy ovaries …

I had my first monitoring appointment on Thursday and I was SO nervous! I think I was dreading going in there and being told my ovaries were in a drug induced coma and totally thoroughly over suppressed!

I had 10 months of Mirena IUD to try and reverse my Endometrial Hyperplasia – then three months of Birth Control Pill to try and get my dates to match my mr me being at home then Suprefact injections which I’m still taking in addition to my stims. So I was very very anxious they’d be doing their best Sleeping Beauty impression.

Well the whole process was stress! I got to the clinic dashed for a nervous wee! Then got taken in for my magic wand date! Dr – “Hmm … I can’t see anything your bladder is in the way go pee!”
The timeframe was 10mins! So there’s nothing wrong with my kidneys!
I hop back up and he try’s and try’s and try’s but they’re hiding totally! So after lots of pushing and squashing they eventually appeared! But not clear enough to know for sure how I’m progressing other than I am responding! And I do have follicles responding! YAY!

So my dose stays the same for the next few days and we’re back again on Sunday for another look.

Dear Ovaries!

Now is NOT the time to be camera shy! You’ve got to get over it now please! So Sunday at 10:15 I expect you to turn up with your lippy on and your hair brushed and be ready to get your photos taken!

I appreciate your assistance!

Thaaaaaanks!

more eggs than I know what to do with …

 

On the Eve of my first monitoring appointment I’m hoping that my shopping error is prophetic! 

When mr me is away I am notoriously bad at looking after myself.  My nutrition goes down the tubes a little but I always have the low carb staples in the house to avoid me spiralling into a spontaneous Bun Run for some form of cake or fancy treat!  (I’m not an angel, it’s not always successful!)

so anyways … As my lovely hubster is home today I thought I had better stock up on proper nutritionally balanced fodder for us.  

Go shopping – come home – unpack and I now find myself with two dozen organic eggs both boxes best before the same date which is the date I anticipate my beta test if this cycle goes to the plan of my protocol!

spooky huh?!  I certainly hope it’s a sign!  I’ve never ever never never ever done this before!  I’m miss organised afterall! 

Fingers crossed left side and right side are having a drug induced rave in there and producing more eggs than I know what to do with!

i guess we’ll know tomorrow!  Eeeeeek!

mrs cranky pants !!!

I’m on to Stim day 3 today! Woop woop! (Although I’ve not taken my fix yet!) But talk about cranky! Oh emm gee!

I could easily have gotten into a fight with the obnoxious a’holes I met on the road today! I’m normally a very sweet natured smiley type but today I have no patience, and I’m in the mood to take no prisoners!

My poor lovely mr me is due home tomorrow and I need to count to ten if inadvertently he upsets me by doing any of those irritating things a seriously jet lagged spouse does! You know the likes, sleeping, snoring, breathing, waking up at 4am wanting to go grab a Timmy Ho’s cos he’s starving and in his head it’s 4pm! My lovely bloke is the softest sweetest kindest hubby I’ve ever had (I’m not a collector but if I were he’d be my treasure!) he’s easily offended and upset poor guy. Me? I’m half Greek so when that half of me gets aggrieved then I shout stamp my feet and wave my hands about a wee bit! Thankfully that doesn’t happen that often (under normal circumstances!)

I’m wishing him patience with his patient (me) and I hope I don’t turn into InVitroZilla before ER. Don’t want him to question what the heck he’s doing and put him off his A Game!

I’m away to meditate before I get jiggy with the jaggy!

Byeeeeee

operation stimulation …

Day one of my stimulation phase went really well I’m pleased to say. I often joke that I’m not a Type A personality I’m actually more like Type AA I’m SO über organised! Well that persona kicked into overdrive today!

I watched videos on YouTube, I read all the information from the meds, I went through all my instructions from my clinic and I laid out everything I needed to get me through it.

I do think if you can be super organised and methodical it helps lots.

The time for my meds is 7:30pm and I stay as close to that each and every night as recommended by my specialists.

So anyways …

Repronex – I’m mixing 2 vials of powder into 1.5cc of diluent. I did this one first cos I thought it’d be trickier than the other two. It was a bit of a faff to get it mixed but I’m sure I’ll improve as time goes on. The needle didn’t hurt one little bit but the drugs stung a little (LOT). That only lasted 10mins really and it was never at a stage that it made my toes curl!

Next up was Puregon – getting the pen assembled was simple and the needle is VERY fine and sharp so it went in a treat. Now I don’t know if I was distracted by the nip of the previous drugs but I didn’t feel and pinch or sting or burn or nothing! I’ll have more like that one please!

Lastly was my old chum Suprefact – I clearly got the blunt needle out the kit, or I found the patch of skin that’s part Rhino and super sensitive cos it hurt heaps and took me three attempts to get it in! Ooooooucha! You’d think I’d be better at this one by now!

But that was that! Took me approximately 5mins to get them all done (minus my full time 8hrs of prep!)

My skin was a bit red round about the injection site for a bit but other than that it’s too early to have any other real side effects so I’ll have to check back in if anything crops up that’s pertinent.

For now though it’s time for beddington.

Night night x

Give me the chocolate and nobody will get hurt …

My diet is healthy. I avoid empty carbs, I eat predominately organic food, I avoid gluten and limit my dairy and most of the time I’m fine with that.

Right now though I want chocolate and cake and junk and alllllll the good bad stuff !!! I know it’s probably an accumulation of everything: I’ve got PMS; I’m pumping myself full of drugs; I’m a teeny bit anxious about IVF 1.0; I miss my mr me.

AND it’s Easter! Surely I deserve more than the chocolate raisins that the bunny left in my garden instead of chocolate eggs?!

I think I’m going to adopt the mindset of a little of what you fancy does you good. I’m not sure my Paleo encouraging, super lovely, fertility specialist would strictly agree but if I don’t get something sugar laden today there could be an accident!

IVF 1.0 …

Today was my supression check. After ten days on the long protocol and ten days of down regulation I had to see if it was ok to pass go!

I was really worried that things could go pear shaped at this very early stage, I tend to get a lot of curve balls, but I’m thrilled to say that didn’t happen this time!

My ovaries are quiet. They obviously got the memo that they were to behave and just play librarians for a bit!

My blood tests came back to confirm that was the case and that’s that! All that worry for nothing (this time)

I’ve got another couple of days on Suprefact then I add in my other meds, Puregon & Repronex. My doses are fairly high I think (300iu & 150iu respectively).

So here’s the new memo! Listen carefully ovaries!

I need you to respond in a controlled and responsible manner! You are to create multiple follicles which contain mature and beautiful eggs. I’d like you to do this in a timely manner.

Get it? Got it! Good!

My tummy isn’t short on acreage but each night it’s getting a wee smidge harder to find a spot that isn’t trying to camouflage itself to avoid attention!

I think I’m being a wee bit timid when it comes to my needles. The one night I chucked it hard and fast I bled really badly (well it was about the size of a quarter!) and freaked myself out so I’m opting for slow and steady these days but I think that’s causing the bruises.

I’ll check in again when I start stimming on Easter Sunday!

I’m anxious, I’m excited, I’m hopeful and I’m present. Here’s hoping that’s enough emotion to help drag my butt through this crazy process!

Inukshuk …

I very much think that this process is a journey. Not simply to the destination of parenthood but also in my self discovery and understanding of my inner strength and dedication.

I’m the sort of person who always gets what I want, sadly it’s not necessarily been through my own personal determination and focus I’m ashamed to say. I tend to be pretty fortunate and I think that synchronicity has regularly put me into the right place at the right time.

There are only really two things in life that aren’t just quite perfect:

1) my constant struggle with my weight!
2) the absence of child(ren)

This morning whilst going through my routine I found that I’d subconsciously arranged my pills into an Inukshuk of sorts.

I googled it to double check the meaning. The traditional definition of the Inuit Inukshuk that I found online is:

In the image of man.
The Inukshuk is a symbol of human spirit.
They are created to help guide you and others.
An Inukshuk represents safety and nourishment, trust and reassurance.
They are the product of cooperation and balance.
You are on the right path.

I’ve pondered this definition all day and I wanted to share it here.

My Dear Child(ren),

I’ve got a shocking sense of direction and I am without exception always late for life (but never late for work).

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your patience in waiting for me to find you. I’ll get there one day (hopefully soon). I promise you that I’ve been gathering lots of life skills to keep you warm and safe.

I’ll encourage you to identify what you want most from life and be brave and focused enough to find it. You can’t always rely on stuff working out without putting in a bit of effort, making a few concessions here and there and generally investing a bit of heart and soul.

The longer it takes me to navigate to you the more I’ll know on this topic!

Behave yourselves till I get there!

xxx hugs xxx

a kick in the nuts …

you know what … As a rule I’m not a jealous person. I’m not one of these that has a real physical reaction to other peoples BFPs. I tend to feel genuinely happy for them without it throwing me into the depths of a poor little old me pity party.

… buuuuut … (You knew there had to be a but didn’t you?!)

Mr me’s delinquent fifteen year old self harming, ADHD, eating disorder niece has just announced that she’s a “few weeks” pregnant, to her seventeen year old boyfriend, on Instagram.

I’m trying hard not to focus on the injustice of this situation. She’s a truly nasty little individual and has spent her whole life causing drama and disputes within the family at every opportunity. Thankfully I have precious little to do with her so I will be able to avoid the majority of the car crash that’s likely to ensue!

But still … I cried a little today and I just needed a space to rant and vex and moan.

To turn it round though let me just say that it’s times like this when I think that I really am ready to grab hold of this by the bits and not let it kick us in the nuts any longer! I feel truly ready to own this process. To make it my own and to forge through irrespective.

I am stable financially (well pre IVF anyways!)
I am sensible
I am patient
I am settled
I have a solid relationship
I have a kind heart
I have people who love and support me
I have people I love and support

I am ready!

Would I have been at fifteen?! Who are you kidding I’d have been an utter gong show! Do I wish I was in the brats shoes?

!!! Nope no way never !!!

I promise this is a temporary glitch and normal service will resume soon.

… aaaaand relax …