4

the what ifs of IF …

Reading through another blog tonight I had a bit of a sad aha moment. I realised that I keep willingly putting my life on hold due to treatments and the what ifs of IF.

I am treading water.
I have put SO many plans on hold.
I am preventing my career.
I am turning my back on my art.
I am dismissing myself.
I am limiting my relationship.

How sad is that?!

When we moved over here I was SO excited and fired up about taking a break from teaching (I was a lecturer of Photography) and I’d been inspired by nurturing and supporting the development of my students craft. I was ready to really go for it. I was going to give my business the attention it deserved and allow it to become what I know it can easily be.

BUT … Instead I gave myself permission to take early retirement (if mr me asks I’m taking a career break!). As a photographer that mainly specialises in weddings I convinced myself it would be terribly unprofessional to book a beautiful lavish wedding eighteen months in the future! What if! What if I was preggers?! What if I had a teeny baby?! What if I was in the middle of a protocol?! What if?! Sigh…..

That was almost two years ago now. Two years that I’ve held myself back and as a result there is no area in my life where I’ve moved forward recently (other than my advancing years but I’m in denial about that!)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been lovely! I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful wench! I know that having a mr me that’s able to support that crazy mindset is rare. I’ve learnt more about myself than I think I’ve ever known. I have almost cured my shopping compulsion! I’m healthier than I think I’ve ever been. BUT …

It’s been pretty much three years since I was diagnosed with endometrial hyperplasia and we started our dealings with fertility specialists and so far in that time I’ve only really attempted Clomid! I had an extended IUD treatment to reverse my hyperplasia to allow me to move on and that’s where we’re at.

In three years I’ve moved country and left my dream job but I’ve not really grabbed the opportunities that I know exist for me. I’m not realising my potential. What sort of lesson is that for my future child/children.

Do not hope!
Do not dream!
Focus so much on one thing that you forget to live.
Just sit in a bubble for extended periods of time. It’s ok! Your mother did!

No way! Nobody would ever give their child that advice?!

So my what if moving forward from here is going to be …

What if I try?! What if begin to embrace and pursue the person I want to become?! What if I take this shitty challenging situation and use it to become a stronger person?! What if I allow myself to see again?! What if I begin to capture the aesthetics that surround me?! What if?!

What I.F?!

Infertility is a condition that I’m dealing with … It does not define me.

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0

my mum told me …

When I was little my mum used to always stress that there’s an easy way of doing things and a hard way.  You know the sorts of chats that I assume come in the Mother Handbook the stork drops off when the time is right.

Anyways … I digress … 

My chats were pretty much always as follows:

Mum – “Study hard and get your degree while life is simple!  If you wait and do this when you’re older you’ll have the added pressure of a family and financial obligations and blah blah blah rhubarb” whilst I listened I don’t actually think she was 100% right!  Just as well this blog is pretty anonymous or she’d be super pissed!

i did go to uni and I followed the academic route.  I studied Engineering and I hated it!  So of course being the stubborn strong willed arse that I can be at times I packed it in before graduating.  It didn’t do me any harm.  I had enough of a technical background that I always managed to get good jobs off the back of it, oh yeah and!  I met my mr me through that course.  Waaaaaaay back in 1994!  Twenty years ago!  That’s crazy scary thinking I’ve known him that long!

As I say I really didn’t feel the love for Engineering and whilst I had a great salary and great colleagues I packed it all in to let my inner artist out.  I wanted to be a photographer and mr me wanted a happy wife “happy wife happy life!” Is his mantra!  So in 2004 I went back to education.  I had a mortgage, I had bills to pay, I had a car to run, I had a house to look after and a garden to tend.  But you know what I’ve never been happier!  It was a doddle!  I was a straight A student, I got student of the year at our final exhibition, I met some amazing friends, I loved every second of the three years I spent as a mature student.  And at the end of it I landed my ideal job!  As well as being a wedding photographer I was employed by the college where I studied as a lecturer!

Today as I was weeding, which I HATE doing, I started thinking about the easy way vs the hard way and trying to reflect upon the journey we’re on now.  This is FAR from the easy way!  BUT I’m ok with that.  I think that my past experience has kinda let me see that it’s not a blanket one size fits all route into parenting.  So tonight as I bow out aching from head to toe from the gym and my garden I’m feeling content.  I don’t want this to land on my lap without the effort, for me doing it this way is my way of being really committed and involved and engaged with the process.  It’s evidence that I do want this.  That I can cope with whatever may come my way.   

I hope that no matter what stage of the process you’re at that you’re all doing ok.  I know some days suck WAY more than others and you just don’t know 100% what day you’re going to get when you open your peepers bleary to the morning.  

But whether you’re following the easy route or the hard route just stay present as much as possible … 

Night night x

0

POAS for all the wrong reasons …

image

I’ve not been saying terribly much recently but I thought today I’d post. Since IVF 1.0 was cancelled and I started DHEA and working out the much treasured AF has been conspicuous by her absence. Evil Witch !!!

Because of my history with endometrial hyperplasia it’s pretty unwise to go too long between cycles so my RE prescribed me with Provera to take if necessary, but under strict instructions to pee on a stick before starting them.

So that was my day today. Get up. POAS to make sure I’m not preggers as opposed to hoping that it’s positive. Of course it was negative. Yes another negative. It was like another kick in the nuts (or girly equivalent) another bit of the process which reinforces that we weren’t successful, we didn’t even get close.

So tonight I get to start another drug. I hope it’s not got any meh side effects that will put me off my stride. I hope that the bleed it induces isn’t a sod. I hope that one day I’ll POAS with the honest anticipation that it could just could be positive!

So that’s it from me. For now anyways! I’ll let my inner child have her pity party tonight but when the alarm goes off at 5am I’ll expect her to get her gym gear on and show up at the gym with her signature smile on!

I reckon I’m about 82 days till we get to try again SO that’s my focus for now.

6

game’s a bogey …

well that’s ivf 1.0 cancelled …

I had a scheduled monitoring appointment again this morning and the long and the short of it is that I’m not responding.

of course I feel totally gutted and I’m not going to fib I did bubble a bit in the car on the way home but I held it together when we were in with my super lovely dr.  

I’m sure he’s delivered this chat more times than he’s ever wanted to but I didn’t feel dismissed or fobbed off or anything like that.

I’m clearly a very low responder and I’ve also found out I’ve got a really low AMH level to boot!  

I’ve to start three months of DHEA and then we’ll proceed with IVF 1.1 in August to tie in with mr me being home.

My intention is to keep blogging but it might not be too frequently.  I’ll be at the gym working my butt off and concentrating on the Paleo diet that my dr recommends.

who knows I might even decide that I’m missing my jags enough to give acupuncture a try!

good luck my fellow TTC types!  I’m rooting for you all!  I sincerely hope that you find your BFPs!

keep taking the drugs ladies!

PS – game’s a bogey is what you shout if a game of hide and seek is null and void so it seemed appropriate but I thought I better explain to cater for all

6

mrs cranky pants !!!

I’m on to Stim day 3 today! Woop woop! (Although I’ve not taken my fix yet!) But talk about cranky! Oh emm gee!

I could easily have gotten into a fight with the obnoxious a’holes I met on the road today! I’m normally a very sweet natured smiley type but today I have no patience, and I’m in the mood to take no prisoners!

My poor lovely mr me is due home tomorrow and I need to count to ten if inadvertently he upsets me by doing any of those irritating things a seriously jet lagged spouse does! You know the likes, sleeping, snoring, breathing, waking up at 4am wanting to go grab a Timmy Ho’s cos he’s starving and in his head it’s 4pm! My lovely bloke is the softest sweetest kindest hubby I’ve ever had (I’m not a collector but if I were he’d be my treasure!) he’s easily offended and upset poor guy. Me? I’m half Greek so when that half of me gets aggrieved then I shout stamp my feet and wave my hands about a wee bit! Thankfully that doesn’t happen that often (under normal circumstances!)

I’m wishing him patience with his patient (me) and I hope I don’t turn into InVitroZilla before ER. Don’t want him to question what the heck he’s doing and put him off his A Game!

I’m away to meditate before I get jiggy with the jaggy!

Byeeeeee

0

Give me the chocolate and nobody will get hurt …

My diet is healthy. I avoid empty carbs, I eat predominately organic food, I avoid gluten and limit my dairy and most of the time I’m fine with that.

Right now though I want chocolate and cake and junk and alllllll the good bad stuff !!! I know it’s probably an accumulation of everything: I’ve got PMS; I’m pumping myself full of drugs; I’m a teeny bit anxious about IVF 1.0; I miss my mr me.

AND it’s Easter! Surely I deserve more than the chocolate raisins that the bunny left in my garden instead of chocolate eggs?!

I think I’m going to adopt the mindset of a little of what you fancy does you good. I’m not sure my Paleo encouraging, super lovely, fertility specialist would strictly agree but if I don’t get something sugar laden today there could be an accident!

0

a kick in the nuts …

you know what … As a rule I’m not a jealous person. I’m not one of these that has a real physical reaction to other peoples BFPs. I tend to feel genuinely happy for them without it throwing me into the depths of a poor little old me pity party.

… buuuuut … (You knew there had to be a but didn’t you?!)

Mr me’s delinquent fifteen year old self harming, ADHD, eating disorder niece has just announced that she’s a “few weeks” pregnant, to her seventeen year old boyfriend, on Instagram.

I’m trying hard not to focus on the injustice of this situation. She’s a truly nasty little individual and has spent her whole life causing drama and disputes within the family at every opportunity. Thankfully I have precious little to do with her so I will be able to avoid the majority of the car crash that’s likely to ensue!

But still … I cried a little today and I just needed a space to rant and vex and moan.

To turn it round though let me just say that it’s times like this when I think that I really am ready to grab hold of this by the bits and not let it kick us in the nuts any longer! I feel truly ready to own this process. To make it my own and to forge through irrespective.

I am stable financially (well pre IVF anyways!)
I am sensible
I am patient
I am settled
I have a solid relationship
I have a kind heart
I have people who love and support me
I have people I love and support

I am ready!

Would I have been at fifteen?! Who are you kidding I’d have been an utter gong show! Do I wish I was in the brats shoes?

!!! Nope no way never !!!

I promise this is a temporary glitch and normal service will resume soon.

… aaaaand relax …