3

i’m a go-go girl!

I’ve been a wee bit lax with blogging … SOZ! My bad! BUT …

I started my stims for IVF 1.1 last night … Woohoo! My protocol this time is the Microdose Flare Protocot with a minimal amount of suppression and pretty hefty amounts of Puregon & Repronex and a teeny drop of dexamethasone chucked in daily too!

Let’s get this paaaaartaaaaay started!

I’m not sure how I’m feeling entirely yet … I had a bit of a restless night last night and I’m not sure if I can attribute it to the meds or to the fact there’s a bloke in bed with me again after 5 weeks of starfish! (Hubby works away for extended periods) but either way it’s game on!

I think I’m still as focused on the end result and I’m fairly chilled out. I’m not worried about being cancelled again, because if it happens then it happens, there’s nothing I can do about it. I actually think till I wrote that I’d not actually thought too much about how this cycle will pan out …maybe that’s weird?!

So anyways … Note to my ovaries – seeing as you dumped the cycle 1.0 memo in the spam folder apparently!

Respond in a timely manner … Be neat and tidy … Smart and goal driven … Brush your teeth and comb your hair! You’re going to have company so shoulders back chest out and pay attention this time!

OR ELSE !!!!!!

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4

big girl pants …

So after a huge wobble where I told my clinic I didn’t think I wanted my August spot and I’d rather wait till October to try again I managed to locate my big girl pants!

Thankfully my favourite nurse hadn’t written me off and hadn’t spoken to the doctor about my crazy logic so when I emailed her back a few days after my wobble she said my spot was still there for me. She was giving me a few days just to think … I heart her lots!

So I took another round of Provera, and thankfully didn’t feel as dizzy and icky as last month, but AF has shown up with a vengeance now and the thought of cutting my grass for the next three hours just makes me want to bawl my eyes out! I’m sure I need to check the terms bad conditions of marriage! I’m pretty confident that’s a blue job in the handbook!

Anyways … So I’ve not got my protocol through yet (as they’re tweaking my dates) so I don’t know what they’re planning for me this time … But I started BCP yesterday so I guess it’s game on …

Am I 100% sure I’m doing the right thing? Nope …
Am I 100% sure I’m ready to go again? Nuh!
Am I 100% sure on anything? Not really … But hey ho …

As a lovely lady I met through this journey suggested I’m following the path of least regret …

Happy Sunday Funday

2

time flies when …

it’s said that time flies when you’re having fun but I think it seems to fly when you’re just trotting through a soup of normality too.

I’ve been on DHEA for ????? days now

I’ve got no 5 o’clock shadow to boast about, my voice is still pretty squeaky, my boobs haven’t shrunk and I seem to be keeping the majority of my abundant hair. So of course I’m doubting if it’s done anything at all to improve my egg quality?! Surely if there are no side effects that means there are no effects?!

I’ve got more pimples than a chocolate loving adolescent though!

When ivf 1.0 was cancelled and I started these pills I thought I had ages to wait till we got to start again but here we are again on the cusp of ivf 1.1

I’ve not gotten my protocol yet but I started Provera again yesterday to encourage the witch to show herself. My clinic is juggling my dates around to try and match up with the hubster being back in the country for 18 wee short days.

I’ve been having SO many doubts recently though … Are we doing the right thing? Should we try? Is it “just not meant to be!”? Are we too old? Am I being selfish? Have I done enough to try and get in better shape? Should I start acupuncture now? Should I just stop over analysing stuff and take a deep breath?

If I wasn’t already feeling like we may, just may, be a smidge too old to be turning our life on its head I think I’d take a break. I’d wait till my bloke was home in October to give it a go instead of this August attempt. But my biological clock is louder than Big Ben most days!

So yip … Time flies and with it I get older every second …

5

blissful innocence …

I’m a keen listener. I love to earwig into conversations that I’m not directly involved in. I’ll hold my hands up and say I’m curious … Ok ok … Nosey!

I’d love to rationalise this by saying it’s my inner artist always trying to find a new angle or thought or belief that could be expressed through imagery but it’s not! I just love people! And I love love. And I looooove plans! So guess that’s why I’m a wedding photographer!

Anyways … I’m waffling …

I was at a social gathering for a future wedding couple of mine, I’m great friends with the brides mother, and I could hear them chatting to friends of theirs who are also getting married soon. The chat went vaguely like this:

Bride 1: oh I’m SO excited about our weddings!
Bride 2: I know! We’ve been friends forever isn’t it nice we’ll be brides at the same time?!
Bride 1: we’re going to give it a year of just being us then we’re going to try for a kid.
Bride 2: us too! Awesome! We’ll be mothers together too!
Groom 1: yeah we want to have two kids so we need to get number one done next year so we can have two years between them and be done by the time we’re 30! Who’d want to have a kid when they’re over 30?!

Sigh … I hope it works out for them! I genuinely do.

It just made me think back fondly to the days where I just assumed it’d happen. Oh how I miss that blissful innocence!

4

the what ifs of IF …

Reading through another blog tonight I had a bit of a sad aha moment. I realised that I keep willingly putting my life on hold due to treatments and the what ifs of IF.

I am treading water.
I have put SO many plans on hold.
I am preventing my career.
I am turning my back on my art.
I am dismissing myself.
I am limiting my relationship.

How sad is that?!

When we moved over here I was SO excited and fired up about taking a break from teaching (I was a lecturer of Photography) and I’d been inspired by nurturing and supporting the development of my students craft. I was ready to really go for it. I was going to give my business the attention it deserved and allow it to become what I know it can easily be.

BUT … Instead I gave myself permission to take early retirement (if mr me asks I’m taking a career break!). As a photographer that mainly specialises in weddings I convinced myself it would be terribly unprofessional to book a beautiful lavish wedding eighteen months in the future! What if! What if I was preggers?! What if I had a teeny baby?! What if I was in the middle of a protocol?! What if?! Sigh…..

That was almost two years ago now. Two years that I’ve held myself back and as a result there is no area in my life where I’ve moved forward recently (other than my advancing years but I’m in denial about that!)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been lovely! I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful wench! I know that having a mr me that’s able to support that crazy mindset is rare. I’ve learnt more about myself than I think I’ve ever known. I have almost cured my shopping compulsion! I’m healthier than I think I’ve ever been. BUT …

It’s been pretty much three years since I was diagnosed with endometrial hyperplasia and we started our dealings with fertility specialists and so far in that time I’ve only really attempted Clomid! I had an extended IUD treatment to reverse my hyperplasia to allow me to move on and that’s where we’re at.

In three years I’ve moved country and left my dream job but I’ve not really grabbed the opportunities that I know exist for me. I’m not realising my potential. What sort of lesson is that for my future child/children.

Do not hope!
Do not dream!
Focus so much on one thing that you forget to live.
Just sit in a bubble for extended periods of time. It’s ok! Your mother did!

No way! Nobody would ever give their child that advice?!

So my what if moving forward from here is going to be …

What if I try?! What if begin to embrace and pursue the person I want to become?! What if I take this shitty challenging situation and use it to become a stronger person?! What if I allow myself to see again?! What if I begin to capture the aesthetics that surround me?! What if?!

What I.F?!

Infertility is a condition that I’m dealing with … It does not define me.

0

my mum told me …

When I was little my mum used to always stress that there’s an easy way of doing things and a hard way.  You know the sorts of chats that I assume come in the Mother Handbook the stork drops off when the time is right.

Anyways … I digress … 

My chats were pretty much always as follows:

Mum – “Study hard and get your degree while life is simple!  If you wait and do this when you’re older you’ll have the added pressure of a family and financial obligations and blah blah blah rhubarb” whilst I listened I don’t actually think she was 100% right!  Just as well this blog is pretty anonymous or she’d be super pissed!

i did go to uni and I followed the academic route.  I studied Engineering and I hated it!  So of course being the stubborn strong willed arse that I can be at times I packed it in before graduating.  It didn’t do me any harm.  I had enough of a technical background that I always managed to get good jobs off the back of it, oh yeah and!  I met my mr me through that course.  Waaaaaaay back in 1994!  Twenty years ago!  That’s crazy scary thinking I’ve known him that long!

As I say I really didn’t feel the love for Engineering and whilst I had a great salary and great colleagues I packed it all in to let my inner artist out.  I wanted to be a photographer and mr me wanted a happy wife “happy wife happy life!” Is his mantra!  So in 2004 I went back to education.  I had a mortgage, I had bills to pay, I had a car to run, I had a house to look after and a garden to tend.  But you know what I’ve never been happier!  It was a doddle!  I was a straight A student, I got student of the year at our final exhibition, I met some amazing friends, I loved every second of the three years I spent as a mature student.  And at the end of it I landed my ideal job!  As well as being a wedding photographer I was employed by the college where I studied as a lecturer!

Today as I was weeding, which I HATE doing, I started thinking about the easy way vs the hard way and trying to reflect upon the journey we’re on now.  This is FAR from the easy way!  BUT I’m ok with that.  I think that my past experience has kinda let me see that it’s not a blanket one size fits all route into parenting.  So tonight as I bow out aching from head to toe from the gym and my garden I’m feeling content.  I don’t want this to land on my lap without the effort, for me doing it this way is my way of being really committed and involved and engaged with the process.  It’s evidence that I do want this.  That I can cope with whatever may come my way.   

I hope that no matter what stage of the process you’re at that you’re all doing ok.  I know some days suck WAY more than others and you just don’t know 100% what day you’re going to get when you open your peepers bleary to the morning.  

But whether you’re following the easy route or the hard route just stay present as much as possible … 

Night night x

0

POAS for all the wrong reasons …

image

I’ve not been saying terribly much recently but I thought today I’d post. Since IVF 1.0 was cancelled and I started DHEA and working out the much treasured AF has been conspicuous by her absence. Evil Witch !!!

Because of my history with endometrial hyperplasia it’s pretty unwise to go too long between cycles so my RE prescribed me with Provera to take if necessary, but under strict instructions to pee on a stick before starting them.

So that was my day today. Get up. POAS to make sure I’m not preggers as opposed to hoping that it’s positive. Of course it was negative. Yes another negative. It was like another kick in the nuts (or girly equivalent) another bit of the process which reinforces that we weren’t successful, we didn’t even get close.

So tonight I get to start another drug. I hope it’s not got any meh side effects that will put me off my stride. I hope that the bleed it induces isn’t a sod. I hope that one day I’ll POAS with the honest anticipation that it could just could be positive!

So that’s it from me. For now anyways! I’ll let my inner child have her pity party tonight but when the alarm goes off at 5am I’ll expect her to get her gym gear on and show up at the gym with her signature smile on!

I reckon I’m about 82 days till we get to try again SO that’s my focus for now.