5

blissful innocence …

I’m a keen listener. I love to earwig into conversations that I’m not directly involved in. I’ll hold my hands up and say I’m curious … Ok ok … Nosey!

I’d love to rationalise this by saying it’s my inner artist always trying to find a new angle or thought or belief that could be expressed through imagery but it’s not! I just love people! And I love love. And I looooove plans! So guess that’s why I’m a wedding photographer!

Anyways … I’m waffling …

I was at a social gathering for a future wedding couple of mine, I’m great friends with the brides mother, and I could hear them chatting to friends of theirs who are also getting married soon. The chat went vaguely like this:

Bride 1: oh I’m SO excited about our weddings!
Bride 2: I know! We’ve been friends forever isn’t it nice we’ll be brides at the same time?!
Bride 1: we’re going to give it a year of just being us then we’re going to try for a kid.
Bride 2: us too! Awesome! We’ll be mothers together too!
Groom 1: yeah we want to have two kids so we need to get number one done next year so we can have two years between them and be done by the time we’re 30! Who’d want to have a kid when they’re over 30?!

Sigh … I hope it works out for them! I genuinely do.

It just made me think back fondly to the days where I just assumed it’d happen. Oh how I miss that blissful innocence!

4

the what ifs of IF …

Reading through another blog tonight I had a bit of a sad aha moment. I realised that I keep willingly putting my life on hold due to treatments and the what ifs of IF.

I am treading water.
I have put SO many plans on hold.
I am preventing my career.
I am turning my back on my art.
I am dismissing myself.
I am limiting my relationship.

How sad is that?!

When we moved over here I was SO excited and fired up about taking a break from teaching (I was a lecturer of Photography) and I’d been inspired by nurturing and supporting the development of my students craft. I was ready to really go for it. I was going to give my business the attention it deserved and allow it to become what I know it can easily be.

BUT … Instead I gave myself permission to take early retirement (if mr me asks I’m taking a career break!). As a photographer that mainly specialises in weddings I convinced myself it would be terribly unprofessional to book a beautiful lavish wedding eighteen months in the future! What if! What if I was preggers?! What if I had a teeny baby?! What if I was in the middle of a protocol?! What if?! Sigh…..

That was almost two years ago now. Two years that I’ve held myself back and as a result there is no area in my life where I’ve moved forward recently (other than my advancing years but I’m in denial about that!)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been lovely! I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful wench! I know that having a mr me that’s able to support that crazy mindset is rare. I’ve learnt more about myself than I think I’ve ever known. I have almost cured my shopping compulsion! I’m healthier than I think I’ve ever been. BUT …

It’s been pretty much three years since I was diagnosed with endometrial hyperplasia and we started our dealings with fertility specialists and so far in that time I’ve only really attempted Clomid! I had an extended IUD treatment to reverse my hyperplasia to allow me to move on and that’s where we’re at.

In three years I’ve moved country and left my dream job but I’ve not really grabbed the opportunities that I know exist for me. I’m not realising my potential. What sort of lesson is that for my future child/children.

Do not hope!
Do not dream!
Focus so much on one thing that you forget to live.
Just sit in a bubble for extended periods of time. It’s ok! Your mother did!

No way! Nobody would ever give their child that advice?!

So my what if moving forward from here is going to be …

What if I try?! What if begin to embrace and pursue the person I want to become?! What if I take this shitty challenging situation and use it to become a stronger person?! What if I allow myself to see again?! What if I begin to capture the aesthetics that surround me?! What if?!

What I.F?!

Infertility is a condition that I’m dealing with … It does not define me.

0

my mum told me …

When I was little my mum used to always stress that there’s an easy way of doing things and a hard way.  You know the sorts of chats that I assume come in the Mother Handbook the stork drops off when the time is right.

Anyways … I digress … 

My chats were pretty much always as follows:

Mum – “Study hard and get your degree while life is simple!  If you wait and do this when you’re older you’ll have the added pressure of a family and financial obligations and blah blah blah rhubarb” whilst I listened I don’t actually think she was 100% right!  Just as well this blog is pretty anonymous or she’d be super pissed!

i did go to uni and I followed the academic route.  I studied Engineering and I hated it!  So of course being the stubborn strong willed arse that I can be at times I packed it in before graduating.  It didn’t do me any harm.  I had enough of a technical background that I always managed to get good jobs off the back of it, oh yeah and!  I met my mr me through that course.  Waaaaaaay back in 1994!  Twenty years ago!  That’s crazy scary thinking I’ve known him that long!

As I say I really didn’t feel the love for Engineering and whilst I had a great salary and great colleagues I packed it all in to let my inner artist out.  I wanted to be a photographer and mr me wanted a happy wife “happy wife happy life!” Is his mantra!  So in 2004 I went back to education.  I had a mortgage, I had bills to pay, I had a car to run, I had a house to look after and a garden to tend.  But you know what I’ve never been happier!  It was a doddle!  I was a straight A student, I got student of the year at our final exhibition, I met some amazing friends, I loved every second of the three years I spent as a mature student.  And at the end of it I landed my ideal job!  As well as being a wedding photographer I was employed by the college where I studied as a lecturer!

Today as I was weeding, which I HATE doing, I started thinking about the easy way vs the hard way and trying to reflect upon the journey we’re on now.  This is FAR from the easy way!  BUT I’m ok with that.  I think that my past experience has kinda let me see that it’s not a blanket one size fits all route into parenting.  So tonight as I bow out aching from head to toe from the gym and my garden I’m feeling content.  I don’t want this to land on my lap without the effort, for me doing it this way is my way of being really committed and involved and engaged with the process.  It’s evidence that I do want this.  That I can cope with whatever may come my way.   

I hope that no matter what stage of the process you’re at that you’re all doing ok.  I know some days suck WAY more than others and you just don’t know 100% what day you’re going to get when you open your peepers bleary to the morning.  

But whether you’re following the easy route or the hard route just stay present as much as possible … 

Night night x

0

POAS for all the wrong reasons …

image

I’ve not been saying terribly much recently but I thought today I’d post. Since IVF 1.0 was cancelled and I started DHEA and working out the much treasured AF has been conspicuous by her absence. Evil Witch !!!

Because of my history with endometrial hyperplasia it’s pretty unwise to go too long between cycles so my RE prescribed me with Provera to take if necessary, but under strict instructions to pee on a stick before starting them.

So that was my day today. Get up. POAS to make sure I’m not preggers as opposed to hoping that it’s positive. Of course it was negative. Yes another negative. It was like another kick in the nuts (or girly equivalent) another bit of the process which reinforces that we weren’t successful, we didn’t even get close.

So tonight I get to start another drug. I hope it’s not got any meh side effects that will put me off my stride. I hope that the bleed it induces isn’t a sod. I hope that one day I’ll POAS with the honest anticipation that it could just could be positive!

So that’s it from me. For now anyways! I’ll let my inner child have her pity party tonight but when the alarm goes off at 5am I’ll expect her to get her gym gear on and show up at the gym with her signature smile on!

I reckon I’m about 82 days till we get to try again SO that’s my focus for now.

0

ouefs marinés …

Image

Its been a whole week since IVF 1.0 was pulled out from under my feet.  It’s been a busy week and my lovely mr me has done a super job of keeping me occupied doing accounts and gardening and going on mini shopping sprees for garden furniture and other such grown up stuff!

Last Monday morning I put away all my drug paraphernalia, cos let’s face it I’ll not be needing any of it for a few months.  So it’s kinda nestled away in an out of sight out of mind manner waiting to be woken up.  A bit like my errant sleepy pissy ovaries!  

I’ve always had a very very inappropriate sense of humour but when I found my last vial of fertility meds nestled in the fridge beside a jar of pickled eggs I found it totally hilarious!  I just had to share!  

While I’ve been pretty accepting that my cycle was cancelled I’ve had a few wee wobbles that I should be well on my way through egg retrieval and worrying about fertilisation reports and embryo transfers.  But you know what I still feel pretty positive that I’ll get to go through those stages at some point it’s just maybe not quite right now.  

Of course I’ve been having lots of discussions with dr google regarding what I can do to improve my chances for next time and what could have screwed up this cycle, couldn’t just be me being rubbish afterall!  

So I’ve started taking DHEA as prescribed and I’ve stopped taking Metformin to see if that’ll help.  I’ve read LOADS of stuff that Met can reduce your follicle count which in turn reduces your AMH.  Hey!  I’ll try anything once!

anyways!  I  just wanted to stop by and share my picked eggs before I go get busy with my trowel.  My neglected garden is getting overgrown with weeds! Bleugh!  I hate weeding!

see you anon blogtype chums! 

 

 

6

game’s a bogey …

well that’s ivf 1.0 cancelled …

I had a scheduled monitoring appointment again this morning and the long and the short of it is that I’m not responding.

of course I feel totally gutted and I’m not going to fib I did bubble a bit in the car on the way home but I held it together when we were in with my super lovely dr.  

I’m sure he’s delivered this chat more times than he’s ever wanted to but I didn’t feel dismissed or fobbed off or anything like that.

I’m clearly a very low responder and I’ve also found out I’ve got a really low AMH level to boot!  

I’ve to start three months of DHEA and then we’ll proceed with IVF 1.1 in August to tie in with mr me being home.

My intention is to keep blogging but it might not be too frequently.  I’ll be at the gym working my butt off and concentrating on the Paleo diet that my dr recommends.

who knows I might even decide that I’m missing my jags enough to give acupuncture a try!

good luck my fellow TTC types!  I’m rooting for you all!  I sincerely hope that you find your BFPs!

keep taking the drugs ladies!

PS – game’s a bogey is what you shout if a game of hide and seek is null and void so it seemed appropriate but I thought I better explain to cater for all

2

11 years ago today …

11 years ago today I married my mr me …

11 years ago today I was blissfully ignorant about how my life would pan out …

11 years ago today I couldn’t even begin to imagine that today I’d be one of the many poking myself in the guts …

I’m sure it’s the case that very few of us smug married types ever think that we’ll be the ones doing this … Sure it happens but not to us!

Eleven years feels like a lifetime!  We’ve done SO much in that time and he still makes me giggle and we still hold hands and we still bicker over which patio set to buy (yesterday’s battle of sorts!) 

I know it doesn’t sound like the most positive spin to take on this process but if we try and it doesn’t pan out the way we hope it will we’re ok with that.  Of course we really really want a child(ren) but if it doesn’t work out like that then we know how to be us.  We’ve been just us for such a long time that we exist together quite happily.  Of course life would just be a little more entertaining with a brat of our own!

He’s my rock and I’d like to think I’m his … 

Happy Anniversary buddy!  Thanks for your support through this!  I appreciate that you work to support this process.  I appreciate that you’re enabling me to stay at home and not throw work stress and demands into the mix of ivf stress and demands.  I appreciate that you drift off into a jetlag nap at 19:30 and let me shoot up in peace.   I appreciate that you’re not wrapping me in cotton wool cos if you did I’d take that as a sign I’m ok to fall apart at the seams.  I appreciate you buster x

2

camera shy ovaries …

I had my first monitoring appointment on Thursday and I was SO nervous! I think I was dreading going in there and being told my ovaries were in a drug induced coma and totally thoroughly over suppressed!

I had 10 months of Mirena IUD to try and reverse my Endometrial Hyperplasia – then three months of Birth Control Pill to try and get my dates to match my mr me being at home then Suprefact injections which I’m still taking in addition to my stims. So I was very very anxious they’d be doing their best Sleeping Beauty impression.

Well the whole process was stress! I got to the clinic dashed for a nervous wee! Then got taken in for my magic wand date! Dr – “Hmm … I can’t see anything your bladder is in the way go pee!”
The timeframe was 10mins! So there’s nothing wrong with my kidneys!
I hop back up and he try’s and try’s and try’s but they’re hiding totally! So after lots of pushing and squashing they eventually appeared! But not clear enough to know for sure how I’m progressing other than I am responding! And I do have follicles responding! YAY!

So my dose stays the same for the next few days and we’re back again on Sunday for another look.

Dear Ovaries!

Now is NOT the time to be camera shy! You’ve got to get over it now please! So Sunday at 10:15 I expect you to turn up with your lippy on and your hair brushed and be ready to get your photos taken!

I appreciate your assistance!

Thaaaaaanks!

2

more eggs than I know what to do with …

Image

 

On the Eve of my first monitoring appointment I’m hoping that my shopping error is prophetic! 

When mr me is away I am notoriously bad at looking after myself.  My nutrition goes down the tubes a little but I always have the low carb staples in the house to avoid me spiralling into a spontaneous Bun Run for some form of cake or fancy treat!  (I’m not an angel, it’s not always successful!)

so anyways … As my lovely hubster is home today I thought I had better stock up on proper nutritionally balanced fodder for us.  

Go shopping – come home – unpack and I now find myself with two dozen organic eggs both boxes best before the same date which is the date I anticipate my beta test if this cycle goes to the plan of my protocol!

spooky huh?!  I certainly hope it’s a sign!  I’ve never ever never never ever done this before!  I’m miss organised afterall! 

Fingers crossed left side and right side are having a drug induced rave in there and producing more eggs than I know what to do with!

i guess we’ll know tomorrow!  Eeeeeek!

6

mrs cranky pants !!!

I’m on to Stim day 3 today! Woop woop! (Although I’ve not taken my fix yet!) But talk about cranky! Oh emm gee!

I could easily have gotten into a fight with the obnoxious a’holes I met on the road today! I’m normally a very sweet natured smiley type but today I have no patience, and I’m in the mood to take no prisoners!

My poor lovely mr me is due home tomorrow and I need to count to ten if inadvertently he upsets me by doing any of those irritating things a seriously jet lagged spouse does! You know the likes, sleeping, snoring, breathing, waking up at 4am wanting to go grab a Timmy Ho’s cos he’s starving and in his head it’s 4pm! My lovely bloke is the softest sweetest kindest hubby I’ve ever had (I’m not a collector but if I were he’d be my treasure!) he’s easily offended and upset poor guy. Me? I’m half Greek so when that half of me gets aggrieved then I shout stamp my feet and wave my hands about a wee bit! Thankfully that doesn’t happen that often (under normal circumstances!)

I’m wishing him patience with his patient (me) and I hope I don’t turn into InVitroZilla before ER. Don’t want him to question what the heck he’s doing and put him off his A Game!

I’m away to meditate before I get jiggy with the jaggy!

Byeeeeee