Reading through another blog tonight I had a bit of a sad aha moment. I realised that I keep willingly putting my life on hold due to treatments and the what ifs of IF.
I am treading water.
I have put SO many plans on hold.
I am preventing my career.
I am turning my back on my art.
I am dismissing myself.
I am limiting my relationship.
How sad is that?!
When we moved over here I was SO excited and fired up about taking a break from teaching (I was a lecturer of Photography) and I’d been inspired by nurturing and supporting the development of my students craft. I was ready to really go for it. I was going to give my business the attention it deserved and allow it to become what I know it can easily be.
BUT … Instead I gave myself permission to take early retirement (if mr me asks I’m taking a career break!). As a photographer that mainly specialises in weddings I convinced myself it would be terribly unprofessional to book a beautiful lavish wedding eighteen months in the future! What if! What if I was preggers?! What if I had a teeny baby?! What if I was in the middle of a protocol?! What if?! Sigh…..
That was almost two years ago now. Two years that I’ve held myself back and as a result there is no area in my life where I’ve moved forward recently (other than my advancing years but I’m in denial about that!)
Don’t get me wrong, it’s been lovely! I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful wench! I know that having a mr me that’s able to support that crazy mindset is rare. I’ve learnt more about myself than I think I’ve ever known. I have almost cured my shopping compulsion! I’m healthier than I think I’ve ever been. BUT …
It’s been pretty much three years since I was diagnosed with endometrial hyperplasia and we started our dealings with fertility specialists and so far in that time I’ve only really attempted Clomid! I had an extended IUD treatment to reverse my hyperplasia to allow me to move on and that’s where we’re at.
In three years I’ve moved country and left my dream job but I’ve not really grabbed the opportunities that I know exist for me. I’m not realising my potential. What sort of lesson is that for my future child/children.
Do not hope!
Do not dream!
Focus so much on one thing that you forget to live.
Just sit in a bubble for extended periods of time. It’s ok! Your mother did!
No way! Nobody would ever give their child that advice?!
So my what if moving forward from here is going to be …
What if I try?! What if begin to embrace and pursue the person I want to become?! What if I take this shitty challenging situation and use it to become a stronger person?! What if I allow myself to see again?! What if I begin to capture the aesthetics that surround me?! What if?!
Infertility is a condition that I’m dealing with … It does not define me.