13dp2dt = beta number 1

I always think these numbers make me sound like a microchip for some complex circuit board!

I can’t quite comprehend that I’m physically writing this post.

I thought this cycle may cancel in the early days.

I thought my poor response would make my results wobbly.

I thought my teeny tiny embies going back on day 2 wasn’t giving them the opportunity to grow strong and able.

I thought that I was lucky to have gotten as far as ER.

I genuinely thought that if this cycle bombed out at the beta that I’d be ok with that cos at least by getting to the beta it meant that our cycle had been successful to a degree.

What I did not expect was a BFP! But I got it and I’m stunned!

Beta 1 @15dpo was 332

Beta 2 is now scheduled for Thursday to check doubling. Fingers crossed hard!

So far so good! I’ll keep taking each day at a time … One foot in front if the other and trying to breath it out.

I’ve never been this far before and I could not be happier tonight as I go to bed 😍

Niiiiiight 😴😴😴

Uh oh …

… I have found an out of date pregnancy test! The fact it expired in 2011 is SO sad, I clearly didn’t have a need to use it ever!

BUT?! Do I use it now?! Do I?! Should I?! AURGH! The temptation is HUGE!

Of course I’ve googled and “they” say you can get a false negative but not a false positive 😣

I need a twelve step program to get me through these next three days I think!

Must stay on the wagon!
Must wait till beta!

i seem to have …

… developed a really icky habit of scrutinising my toilet paper after every pee!

Please tell me this is normal cos right now I feel like a massive weirdo!

I’ve got four sleeps till my beta! I predict I’m entering a new stage of crazy for this last few days! Sheesh! This is far from the easy peasy patient patient I tend to be.

I woke up this morning rubbing my tummy! Maybe I think I’m Buddha?

Whatever unfolds I’m kinda glad mr me is away at work so he can’t witness the psycho I’m becoming!

We were talking before he left and he actually complimented me on taking it all in my stride. Apparently he thought I would be an utter complete total hormonal ivfzilla but that I was great and not even slightly a pain in the arse! Woop! Permission to crank it up!

Here’s to sleep and waking up closer to finding out what’s going on inside my bits!

Niiiiiiiight!

this time last week …

This time last week I was off my face and sleepy on the good drugs … I was nervous to find out what my embies would be like … I was anxious about the transfer procedure … I was scared to talk out loud incase I jinxed anything …

Today … I’m nervous because I don’t know what my embies have been up to since they went back … I am anxious to know what the end result will be … I am scared to talk out loud incase I jinx anything …

It made me think about how the same emotions get juggled up and applied to different scenarios …

I’m guessing it’s normal to feel a lot of different things at this stage but it’s not normal for me …I’ve had the ten day wait to get results back to see in my precancerous cells are still precancerous … I’ve had the ten month wait to see if I get to dodge a hysterectomy … I’ve had the ten year wait to see if I’d actually get a baby of my own … But I’ve not had this bit before …

It makes me feel like I’m turning into a nut! Wow I’m hot/ oooh that hurt/ I need to pee/ I can’t sleep/ my boobs hurt/ what’s that on the toilet paper?! I’m generally a real mechanistic thinker and one that knows that there are things you can and can’t change and you need to chill and go with the flow … Nope not this time! My google searches must read like a crazy crazy type!

So a week tomorrow I get a blood test and until then I wait … In my head and in my heart I think I’ll wait till my blood test to find out … But that’s now. Come next week I may well be buying one each of every brand of pee stick!

For now though … I’ll go back to being quiet … If you’re looking for me I’ll be manically googling something 😁

home sweet home

I’ve been keeping pretty quiet this last week. I’ve been trying to put one foot in front of the other. I’ve been trying to stay in my happy place. I’ve been trying to work my way through this crazy process while staying authentic and present.

I saw my REs sad face more times than I’d have liked 😞

I saw my hubby get down that I wasn’t responding terribly well in this IVF 1.1 cycle.

I feared that any day when I went for a monitoring appointment I was going to leave with yet another cancelled cycle.

BUT I’m glad to say that my amazing RE and his team didn’t give up on me! I stimmed for 10 days in total prior to my HCG trigger on Saturday night.

I was working with just four follicles of notable size, but given the diagnosis of DOR last cycle my clinic wondered if that’s just as good a result as I was going to get and were ok to push forward with my protocol and see how we pan out.

So on Labour Day Monday I went in for my Egg Retrieval with my heart in my mouth and beyond anxious about what we might find.

The process itself was fairly uncomfortable. I’ve got crazy floating ovaries which tend to wander about. This means it takes A LOT of abdominal pushing and pressure to get them into a place they can be viewed. OUCH! I was given a fairly funky cocktail of drugs and that meant I cared not a jot!

So – four follicles = four eggs !!! Woohoo! Relief! We were delighted and I got to see my REs happy face!

I slept for 20hrs that day and woke up on Tuesday feeling GREAT!

Day one – My embryologist called to say that of my four eggs they did two IVF (the smaller less mature eggs) and two ICSI (the bigger more mature eggs) and three fertilised !!! Three !!! I was delighted with that ☺️

My Dr had spoken to me on Monday and said that as we were working with low numbers he wanted to take no chances whatsoever and we’d schedule a day two transfer.

SO today … We went in bright and early for an update and our transfer.

We met our dr at the door of the surgical suite and he had the biggest smile! Told us we had two “beautiful embryos” to transfer!

I was SO chuffed I even forgot to be in pain from my full bladder!

We got into the transfer room got comfy and the embryologist came through to discuss our grades.

The clinic uses a 1-20 (20 totally exceptional!) scale … Mine were perfect 4 cell beautiful looking buns! The embryologist said they were 19s and the RE & RN told her to stop being mean and give them both a 20 cos they were perfect 😍

She LOL’d and said she would but she NEVER gives them out!

Both are now back home now and that’s hopefully where they’ll decide to stay.

My beta test is due on the 15th September. That’s AGES away!

So in the meantime I’ll go back to being quiet I think 😊

Note to my embryos:

Welcome home! You’ve been dreamed about for a long time. It’s beyond my comprehension that this might work. That this could work. That this time I may very well end up filling my empty arms!

sharing smiles …

I had my first monitoring appointment for IVF cycle 1.1 today.

It was lovely to have my mr me with me, even though my hormones largely want to kick his ass. We were ridiculously early for our appointment but as always I didn’t have to wait. I heart my clinic a lot!

Waiting for my RE to come into my room I told mr me I was concerned I had coffee breath! Helpfully he tried to reassure me he wasn’t going to be at that end so probably wouldn’t notice! And you wonder why I want to merrily throttle him?!

I saw my favourite nurse today too! She’s just a gem and makes me giggle heaps! It REALLY helps to feel SO welcomed at your clinic. I really have never ever felt like just another number trodding through their clinical practice and that’s so refreshing.

So … Historically my ultrasounds involve lots of prodding and digging and standing on my guts and LOTS of concerned faces … However I’m happy to say that wasn’t the case this time! Woop woop!

My ovaries clearly got the memo this time! They were both present and correct and they made my team smile. I’ll take that!

I’m not 100% sure how many are in there. I never asked and they never told me. But I think I’m going to try the low stress method of just letting them take care of the science and not trying to second guess them … Me knowing won’t change anything so I’ll adopt the “it is what it is” attitude I think. (Wish me luck with that! I reckon I’ll have emailed by the end of the day to ask, unless I sit on my paws!)

My bloods also came back great so I’m basically plodding along merrily with no changes in dose and another monitoring appointment scheduled for midweek.

Sooooo … Game is still a go-go for now a and I’ll happily accept that for now I get to keep moving forward.

Good Job Ovaries! Now keep up the hardwork! If you ace this stage you’ll get some extra special attention through in the inner sanctum of the clinic soon enough! There’s no show without you two!

stim day 4 …

I kinda wish I’d taken note of how I was feeling last cycle to compare to this one … So in the interest of future reference that’s what I’ll do now!

TMI alert! I feel SO constipated (although I don’t think that I am at all!) maybe that’s the “full” feeling starting to take shape? Although I’d have thought it was a bit early?!

I feel ANGRY !!! My poor mr me is a saint! However! If I don’t stab him in the eye with a steaming red hot poker it’ll be a major miracle! I think I’ll have to find him chores to keep him out of harms way for a bit! Queue extensive “Honey Do” list!

I’m a teeny tiny bit red round the injection sites but actually less than last time I thinks?

I’m piiiiissed off that I am the worlds worst organised OCD person ever! I decided this morning that i’d like to stay overnight in Victoria so I’m not up at the crack of sparrows for a two and a half hour drive down … So I task mr me with seeking a room … Nope! No room at any inn! It’s obviously super busy with tourists this weekend! So I’ll be shooting myself in the belly in a layby on the way down. Ho hum! I’ll know to plan my spontaneity next time!

So … That’s a brief round up of how I’m feeling today after three days of shots administered and one lined up and ready to go at 9pm …

Fingers crossed that my monitoring appointment goes well tomorrow! I’ll update soon ☺️

i’m a go-go girl!

I’ve been a wee bit lax with blogging … SOZ! My bad! BUT …

I started my stims for IVF 1.1 last night … Woohoo! My protocol this time is the Microdose Flare Protocot with a minimal amount of suppression and pretty hefty amounts of Puregon & Repronex and a teeny drop of dexamethasone chucked in daily too!

Let’s get this paaaaartaaaaay started!

I’m not sure how I’m feeling entirely yet … I had a bit of a restless night last night and I’m not sure if I can attribute it to the meds or to the fact there’s a bloke in bed with me again after 5 weeks of starfish! (Hubby works away for extended periods) but either way it’s game on!

I think I’m still as focused on the end result and I’m fairly chilled out. I’m not worried about being cancelled again, because if it happens then it happens, there’s nothing I can do about it. I actually think till I wrote that I’d not actually thought too much about how this cycle will pan out …maybe that’s weird?!

So anyways … Note to my ovaries – seeing as you dumped the cycle 1.0 memo in the spam folder apparently!

Respond in a timely manner … Be neat and tidy … Smart and goal driven … Brush your teeth and comb your hair! You’re going to have company so shoulders back chest out and pay attention this time!

OR ELSE !!!!!!

big girl pants …

So after a huge wobble where I told my clinic I didn’t think I wanted my August spot and I’d rather wait till October to try again I managed to locate my big girl pants!

Thankfully my favourite nurse hadn’t written me off and hadn’t spoken to the doctor about my crazy logic so when I emailed her back a few days after my wobble she said my spot was still there for me. She was giving me a few days just to think … I heart her lots!

So I took another round of Provera, and thankfully didn’t feel as dizzy and icky as last month, but AF has shown up with a vengeance now and the thought of cutting my grass for the next three hours just makes me want to bawl my eyes out! I’m sure I need to check the terms bad conditions of marriage! I’m pretty confident that’s a blue job in the handbook!

Anyways … So I’ve not got my protocol through yet (as they’re tweaking my dates) so I don’t know what they’re planning for me this time … But I started BCP yesterday so I guess it’s game on …

Am I 100% sure I’m doing the right thing? Nope …
Am I 100% sure I’m ready to go again? Nuh!
Am I 100% sure on anything? Not really … But hey ho …

As a lovely lady I met through this journey suggested I’m following the path of least regret …

Happy Sunday Funday

time flies when …

it’s said that time flies when you’re having fun but I think it seems to fly when you’re just trotting through a soup of normality too.

I’ve been on DHEA for ????? days now

I’ve got no 5 o’clock shadow to boast about, my voice is still pretty squeaky, my boobs haven’t shrunk and I seem to be keeping the majority of my abundant hair. So of course I’m doubting if it’s done anything at all to improve my egg quality?! Surely if there are no side effects that means there are no effects?!

I’ve got more pimples than a chocolate loving adolescent though!

When ivf 1.0 was cancelled and I started these pills I thought I had ages to wait till we got to start again but here we are again on the cusp of ivf 1.1

I’ve not gotten my protocol yet but I started Provera again yesterday to encourage the witch to show herself. My clinic is juggling my dates around to try and match up with the hubster being back in the country for 18 wee short days.

I’ve been having SO many doubts recently though … Are we doing the right thing? Should we try? Is it “just not meant to be!”? Are we too old? Am I being selfish? Have I done enough to try and get in better shape? Should I start acupuncture now? Should I just stop over analysing stuff and take a deep breath?

If I wasn’t already feeling like we may, just may, be a smidge too old to be turning our life on its head I think I’d take a break. I’d wait till my bloke was home in October to give it a go instead of this August attempt. But my biological clock is louder than Big Ben most days!

So yip … Time flies and with it I get older every second …